Does anyone else make pour over coffee? I got a Hario coffee maker for Christmas—like the one in this video—so I spent this morning watching videos on technique. Just made my first cup, and wow, it is delicious. However, HOLY FUCK I AM WIRED MY BRAIN IS IN ALL CAPS AND I COULD BENCH PRESS A RHINO. Am I doing this right? Does anyone have tips? More importantly, should I be sweating right now?
Open Letter to the Bodega Coffee Lady
You look lovely today. How are the kids? Good? Good. And your husband? His back still hurting? Sorry to hear it.
Listen, we need to talk about your coffee. Not about the coffee itself, really, but about what you’re putting in it. Every time I come in, I say “milk and just a half teaspoon of sugar.” Sometimes I’ll even add “Really, just a little sugar. A reallll little.” And yet, when I get back to my desk and take my first sip of that delicious elixir of life, it’s sweeter than chocolate milk. Seriously? You are fucking with my life’s blood here, sister friend. I’m about to take off my sensible heels and go Lima Heights on you.
I have two theorys: First, this really IS a little bit of sugar for you, in which case we need to take you in for some diabetes screening because HOLY HADES your innards must be rotting. Or, second, you continually make an executive decision to override my request for a small amount of sugar because I am just sooooo svelte that you think I need to gain weight. Bless your heart, love muffin, if this is true. But trust me when I tell you that I am getting plenty of calories this week from ALL THE CARBS, which I am eating in preparation for my marathon on Saturday.
Either way, please cut it out. And by ‘it,’ I mean all the mothereffing sugar. I prefer you, but you’re forcing me to patronize Starbucks because at least there I can be the master of my own coffee destiny.