An Open Letter to the Broads on Facebook Posting Pictures of the Flowers They Received From Their Boyfriends/Husbands At Work
Let me explain. Having flowers delivered to one’s office on Valentine’s Day means a couple things.
- Your partner understands that your relationship is a performance piece. What’s the use of loving someone if you can’t do it in front of other people? We all know the sound of one hand clapping. It’s depressing, soul-crushing silence. It’s the same for the dozen roses unfortunately delivered to your residence. Who will enjoy them? Maybe if you’re lucky you have a roommate you can show them off to, but there’s no substitute for the random co-workers or Facebook friends who say “Ohhhh…someone has a good boyfriend.” I’m happy that you’ve found someone who tolerates your need to be validated in public enough to pay the $20 shipping fee when he could have just gotten them from the corner bodega.
- Your man has been successfully educated by society to believe that he must clear certain hurdles for his SO on V Day or he’ll be out a BJ. Mazel tov! You have years of trite rituals to look forward to enjoying together! I bet he even hides the engagement ring (Princess cut, natch) in some sort of desert or—better yet—he’ll take you to a football game and propose on the Jumbotron. (The added benefit of the Jumbotron maneuver is that you get 80,000 people to watch you. See point #1.)
- You don’t think it’s stupid to spend $50 on something that dies in less than a week.
So, why do I say ‘thanks’ to these women? For the same reason I support the troops. They’re giving their lives for me. By taking these men off the market, they make it less likely that I end up with a man whose summer wardrobe consists entirely of cargo shorts in varying shades of beige. With each marriage, there is one less man out there on the streets who can’t help but yell the ‘buh buh buuuuuhs’ when Sweet Caroline comes on. In short, sisters, you’re doing me a favor. Thanks! Hope you also enjoyed the inevitable chocolates and semi-expensive dinner tonight!
PS. I just worked 14 hours and have to be back in court in 7.5 hours, so please pardon the bile.